Sunday, 29 June 2014

OVERWHELMING.

'iya loves,

I've reached a certain point at the moment where everything seems to be overwhelming me. Life in general, my blog, my channel, just everything. I remember when I first decided to start my blog up and I remember the first post I ever wrote on here. It was lifestyle and basically chatting to you guys about my life and how 2012 had been for me and also how not so great it had been. Fast forward to a year and a half later and I'm sitting here stressing if I don't get a post up because life is getting in the way. I love blogging. That's not changed one bit. I think as I grow as a blogger and as my blog grows I put so much pressure on myself to post daily. I post Monday-Friday normally with sometimes an extra post added in during that time or even one at the weekend all depending. Lately, my schedule for posts has been all over the place for one reason or another. The lead up to the holiday back in May was so stressful. I was more stressing over I need to pre plan videos and have them uploaded so they can be scheduled etc that my blog just kind of went out the window. Then obviously with being on holiday I couldn't blog due to very poor signal and I didn't have the time too. I was poorly on holiday, honestly the Sunday I got up felt really poorly, got dressed went outside to see the girlies, came back in snuggled under the duvet and literally just had a meltdown. It all got too much for me on holiday being unwell. I was unwell on the Saturday when we left for the Isle of Wight and took me till about Tuesday to start feeling myself again. Nevertheless I did really enjoy the holiday. I remember last year when I actually felt like I needed to take breaks away from blogging to have time to myself this was before I started planning posts and scheduling them. I used to write them on the day. It's literally impossible for me to do that now and put up decent content in my eyes. If I don't like a post I won't post it. I'm probably too hard on myself.

When I came back from holiday it was my birthday and it was also stressful due to lots of family happenings taking place. It's been the same before the holiday as well. I feel like there's been constant happenings going on and there's only so much one person can take before they need to literally have a good cry or delve into a giant tub of ice cream. I wanted to blog as soon as I got back and I have posted a handful of lifestyle posts this month. Ideally I wanted beauty and fashion ones up but honestly guys it's been impossible. If you don't follow me on Twitter or Facebook first off you should... and second my laptop wasn't working for three weeks. Basically I couldn't access my documents due to the profile being corrupted. My superstar of a brother in law fixed it for me and for the past week I've been glued to it catching up on videos, blogs etc. Still now though, I feel very stressed when it comes to planning videos and posts. I finally had the chance yesterday to sit down look at content I've got to go up on my blog and put some posts together for the week. Lifestyle posts like I'm doing now I can never plan because if I feel like writing even at 2am I will, and I will post it straight away. The thing is with blogging sometimes you hit a wall and feel like you're not good enough or that you're failing. As I say I'm far too hard on myself. I remember starting this blog for a hobby, a bit of fun and to just express myself. Somehow I think I've forgotten that the past few months and have been so panicked about beauty and fashion. The beauty and fashion I love doing, but I want to try and bring some more lifestyle posts back to this. This is like my little baby (including my channel of course). I've still got holiday pictures to sort through so I can start getting some holiday posts up which I really want to do. I only yesterday almost a month on did a snapfish order.. that's how behind I am with everything. 

This month has been quite a stressful month for me. I left my old job which I'd been at for four years. I felt very comfortable there, could have progressed if I'd have wanted to but for no real benefits. Made lots of friends they we're like my work family. I miss everyone there and have had real second thoughts lately about leaving. I switched jobs to almost a totally different role. I feel so out of my comfort zone at the moment it's crazy. I've never been more nervous or panicked about doing something so new. It's pressure.. a lot of pressure to get something right. Everything's still so new, and that's with still being in training. Effectively I'm now doing the job though, and everything is just brand new. That's what panics me. I feel flustered at the moment like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm probably not but like I said I'm too hard on myself and will panic and panic until I can't panic no more. Honestly, it's even stressing about what I'm going to wear everyday. With no uniform it's a mission deciding on what to wear. It's a new change. It's a positive one. I think it's stressing me out because it is so new and that just overwhelms me at the moment and I find it hard to know how to deal with that. That's another reason why there's been no activity really on here. I'm trying my hardest to settle in and I know that comes with time. Now my weekends are back I feel like I can put time back into doing what I love doing which is posting on here for you guys. 

My channel is also my baby. I feel like some parts of this year that has also been neglected. I panic if I can't get a video up for you guys because I've got into a routine that I'm comfortable with. I've got even more into doing make up looks for you guys. It allows me to be creative and really explore and have fun with make up which is what I'm all about. I'm growing and so is my channel. It's an exciting but also completely overwhelming thing. I need to remember that I started my channel to share my passion about all things beauty with you guys and sometimes you literally have to strip things back to basics. The main thing that's improved this year is quality which I feel has made me feel the pressure even more to deliver. No videos for three weeks honestly it was really annoying. I had content I wanted to edit and couldn't. Content on my camera that I wanted to transfer and couldn't. I know I'm very bubbly and outgoing in my videos and sometimes I try and film and it's just not happening. If that's the case I stop because I don't want to just act like I'm okay when I'm not. I just want to express 10 minutes on a video of happiness and being bubbly, doesn't always mean it's the same when the camera's not about. Sometimes things are happening behind the camera that you don't see, which can often mean videos don't go up or videos get put on hold. It's going to take me a while to get back into the swing of things especially over here on my blog. 

I feel this year in many ways has been one of the hardest years yet. There's been so much change, worry and everything else all rolled into one. It's far from over this year, so who knows what else it's going to bring. It's still a stressful time for myself at the moment. I feel like I'm in a never-ending battle at the moment. That first post I posted back in January 2013, I feel like needs to be revisited. As we all change and move on and grow as individuals that should make us feel stronger. In some ways though I don't think it has me. I've been feeling somewhat lost, and at a loss of how to explain how I'm feeling day to day. I want you all to know though, that's it okay to feel like this. It's okay to need a break from time to time. Have some you time, in snuggly pjs and cosy Dumbo slipper socks.. yes I really do have some. Look out for them in an upcoming haul. It's okay to feel like giving up because it's all getting too much. But don't forget there's someone out there who has it worse than you. I'm thankful for the life I do have and I know I am incredibly lucky. But even with that being said, we all need a break at times. Even though I've just been on holiday I feel like I need another. 

Apologies for this post being a little off on some sorts. I wanted to go back to my roots with this post. I felt like posting so I did. If you guys feel similar at the moment then just remember things could always be worse. Tomorrow's a new day and things could be totally different in the morning. I always think clearer in the mornings and normally feel better about situations. I love you guys millions!

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